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SELF PRESERVATION [07 Sep 2006|11:30pm] It's been a long time since I updated this. not that I havent had anything to say, I just guess that realy I think that there is alot more to life than this. Everything has changed. I wont go into detials because it's nobody's business, but things are very different now. New job. New flat. I started at QMC studying Russian and Philosophy. it's kind of weird being around people younger than me all the time, not bad just weird. Ive spent the majority of my time recently with Sienna, we have alot of fun without any stupid bullshit tension. Ive been to a whole tonne of places and spent aload oof wicked nights out with people. Ive basically being trying to build on the friendships that I had lost or at least ignored for the last 7 months. I still need to do alot of work with one person. I know we can never be like we were, and ive dealt with that. It's up to me now anyway... My life feels kind of like its starting all over again. I wish I had more to write. But I dont. Im happy. Im content. and I guess thats all you can ask for... Im excited about the thought of living for myself again. Being selfish and not having to look after or think about another person before I make a decision, just free to do what the fuck I want, when the fuck I want. As much as I miss alot of what I had. This is much healthier for me. I have built up this whole life in the past year and now for the first time i think im ready to start fucking living it. It might be another 3 months before I update. So if you see me about come say hi, the drinks are on me... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN LIVE FOR YOUR FUCKING SELF, COZ LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO WASTE IT ON SOMEBODY ELSE. KILL YOUR BROTHER

"you hollow out my hungry eyes" [18 Apr 2006|05:45pm] I know I said I wasnt going to update so often but fuck it I am. The last couple weeks have been kind of a blur to be honest. Its been work. sleep. work. sleep. travel. work. sleep. for the past month now and I guess im only just now reflecting on it. I haven't seen alot of a few people since I started work and I know that I need to put more effort into a lot of my relationships with some people. I know that one person understands but that doesnt mean I should take her for granted, oh fuck it yeah Annie this is about you... Im sorry. I know the last couple of days ive been realy absent minded and have neglected to arrange things or even just give you the respect and attention you deserve, im realy sorry. There you go. Me and my girl are sat at my parents house in Bournemouth even though we should have been home like 2 hours ago to meet Dexterity and get hair extentions (um not me duuuh) and go for a meal but work didnt sort out either of our pay AGAIN. rargh. I know it's not my fault but I realy feel bad now. "Disapointment Isn't The Right Word..." So we are going to stay here and eat all my parents food and cuddle up on the sofa with tea and a spliff (not Katt !) and watch America's Next Top Model and whatever else is on Living TV. Both of us got our hair cut by Kate yesterday mine is kind of shorter but with a mullety bit at the back and my fringe is all cute and shit...i dunno...i like it. Katt has the shortest hair! Its so cute though! It has loads of layers and stuff in it and she looks like Elliot from E.T awwwww ! she looks buff ting YUM! Its one week till we have our "Louder Now" party! Fake moustaches and loads of alcohol and of course THE NEW FUCKING TBS ALBUM! CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?!!! Unfortunatley NONE OF YOU are invited only 3 of us are...gutted. Ok so now my girl is looking at me in a a way that says "ugh paul im tired and broke and ive got no hair and i want to get on the computer and just because youve put on taking back sunday doesnt mean im just going to shut up and stop nagging you so hurry the fuck up and go make me a cup of tea!!!" So thats what im going to go and do. I love her. Alot. xxxxxx YOU'LL FEEL BETTER2 s|KILL YOUR BROTHER

00.00.00 [11 Apr 2006|01:52pm] "and though the strings of the puppet had long since broken he continued to dance without guidance, without control but within her routine to perfect order (alas! she is still in control!) " That night I traced the outline of your knuckles I prayed for death, for release, for black ice to send us flying through the glass and for the insides of our chests to paint the intersection... Crawl. Never make another promise. Stutter girl. Stutter. KILL YOUR BROTHER

[01 Apr 2006|08:10pm] [ music | a death grip on yesterday ] today i bought the new Atryeu record and Sin City on DVD. both were good purchases. even the Atryeu record...even if it does only have 9 TRACKS grrrrgh!# i listened to it 3 times over and its sooo good, kind of like a guilty pleasure, its fun, i don't think kids should take it so seriously! pay day on monday! me and my girl are going to london shopping, im going to tear Urban Outfitters apart...hell yeah. ive had a pretty eventful day, not good or bad just, something. i went home from work early because i was sick which was amazing, well except im sick...bluegh. sia is playing and i miss her. 2 hours and she will be back. im going to have a drink and a fag... "ex's and oh's" x x x YOU'LL FEEL BETTER2 s|KILL YOUR BROTHER

[01 Apr 2006|12:21am] [ music | The Kray Twinz ft Twista ] ohmygodohmygodohmygod. one month and 26 days. holy shit im so excited ! ! anyways annie is tired and going to sleep, me and my baby have two bottles of wine and 2/3 of The Omen Trilogy to get through and yeah im pretty fucking happy. I haven't seen everybody who i want to, and im still bummed out by some things but ive come to the realisation that none of it matters anymore. Me and my girl have found a couple of apartments to move into; one is right near town in this realy neat little building call Anchor COurt, which kind of makes me feel like im at sea, which is swell because i love sailors and tattoos. One of my uncles was in the Navy. and the other place is right near work and the cinema which is kind of convieneant i guess. I have done so much since my last serious update but I have no desire whatsoever to flll you all in on it. If you were there then awesome, we realy did have a lot fun didn't we?! and if you were not then hey, don't feel bad. I guess ive been neglecting this journal, which is a good thing because it means that im out in the real world LIVING as apose to spending my nights on the machine masturbating and reading gossip about kids i dont like and movies i dont want to see. I cant honestly say im going to make alot of effort to write more in here. I have a load of stuff planned for the summer already and im sure ill see most of the people that read this anyway. ive grown closer to a certain person even more so recently, she is my sister now and one of my best friends (hi dexterity) i realy miss my other sister but i saw her again on thursday and we promised to fix things for everybody. i miss her right now. DO YA WANNA FUCKEN GO SOME?! it was realy awesome to see Grace, Rach and Lauren the other day, completley random but i loved it, we played top trumps and had a little bitch on a hill and hadd piggy back races and Hardcore Harrison bought pizza and chips, plus i spoke to Dan too which was cool. Im going to make a shit lot more of an effort to see them all this summer. starting now. oh yeah and the new Far Less album is fucking amazing to anybody who cares about that sort of thing. i didnt get tickets to Jason Mraz which i was realy disapointed about but he will be back soon im sure. oh Jason. im going to a few of the Taking Back Sunday shows with my girl so if your at any of them come say hi ! i love my girl. she has chocolate cake all over her face right now and is wearing completley ridiculous grey sweatpants and a khaki hoodie but she is still realy realy cute. im very very happy. i have work in like 10 hours and my mum will be here in 8. damn. im not getting any sleep. everything is a-ok "If you could see yourself through my eyes, You might remember all the blurry nights. Love was a remedy. For what was killing me. I questioned everything. Now it is clear to see. It’s all so clear. I’m not going anywhere." YOU'LL FEEL BETTER1 |KILL YOUR BROTHER

OH HOW TERRIBLE! HOW TERRIBLE FOR THIS GREAT CITY [07 Feb 2006|11:28pm] "there is no period of adjustment". ok. so i know i should still finish my previous update but i have no inclanation to do. if you were there, then well done you! if not...gutted. what i will discuss however recent events however... yesterday mari and i hit up the capital to go see The Legacy play this realy fucked up matinee show. some other gnar bands played who sucked...hard and i met tommy who plays in furthestdrivehome who were ok i guess, im not sure if my disinterest was down to them being bad or the fact that i was so desperate to see The Legacy, either way, when they hit the stage it didnt matter. despite the fact that only like 50 kids stayed Adam and the band realy busted a fucking gut and played so passionatly and urgently that it didnt matter. they dedicated "End Of The Line" to me, mari and the Horror Squad which was awesome and i did a couple of stagedives from the backstage balcony which was realy fun! some old school 88 shit right there bitches! They seemed like they were only singing to me. it meant so much to me, i cant explain, i guess to some of you it might seem like a dumb little hardcore band, but to me, it was more. my girl wouldnt come up which was realy shit, but like, she hates hardcore anyway and it was soooo fun to spend a day with mari! we caused some mayhem backstage involving permanant markers and beer cans! John from The Legacy gave me a pass so we could just kick it with them. the bro picked up a some girls 7" and this awesome re-release of Shcism fanzine that Reflections put out, i read this great early interview with Walter from Gorrila Biscuts, like before they even had a record out, he talked about how kids didnt know what straight edge was and he ragged on Cappo too which was realy funny to read...i wish i had there at the start of it all...those dudes realy lived it. im a nerd. but yeah The Legacy, wow! HOLY SHIT! wow! Nice dudes. Life affirming show. Seriously. We made promises to keep in touch and kick it soon which was nice, i hope we do. I realy do. For me, it was one of those moments...everything made sense. and i spent it with my bro. I missed my girl a load, i dont know why but i was realy mad on the way home. me and mari talked ALOT of stuff through and she realy helped me. shes awesome and im realy proud that we are so close now. on the coach we talked about so much, like things ive never told anyone and we both talked about Wes his book and we are going to get matching "Self Preservation" tattoo's in Belgium. Bro's for life indeed. when i got in my girl was waiting for me! she and the warlord had been shopping and we had jaffa cakes and carling for tea! then he ordered a masssive pizza which i devoured!! yum. i dont know why i was so off with her when i got in. it's just petty shit. and maybe i shouldnt think about stuff like that. maybe it shouldnt bug me, but it did, it does and i can't help it. I wish i could just not think about shit stuff like that, maybe i should change my name to Holden McNeal, maybe not. Either way, i wish i hadnt been. regardless when warlord went to bed, we talked stuff through, like everything. she realy is so amazing. ive never felt this way before about anybody and everyday i spend with her makes me realise more just how right this all is. i need her, she makes me a better person to be around and i know that she feels the same now. we are both pretty messy people, but together, i dont know we just fit, its just right, like its always been this way. i cant explain and im sleepy now. my baby is on the sofa and i know she is thinking something is wrong because i havent talked for like an hour. she is great. i start my new job on wednesday, im kind of nervous but maybe thats just because im so excited, things are moving fast but i think with her with me, i can keep up. things are starting to get better, i miss my friends and family in way i cannot express, i feel sick when i think about them, so im trying not to dwell too much. i think im going to like my life here. my friends will visit (when they stop being mad)i miss grace and rach and everybody so much... i wish i could just go back to how it used to be sometimes, i think i might have gone to far away from Grace this time, and it's tearing me up. I dont think Rach is happy with me, i realy need her right now, but feel so selfish to ask because i havent been there for HER at all...she is the only person who understands me and i hope if she reads this she knows how much i love her....Ian and David are pissed off because i havent been to band practice in weeks, Steve and Danny and Gibbo are FUCKED OFF because i quit the football team... and Rich is just angry...anyways... ive joined a couple of bands now doing different things, keep your ears to the ground for that shit. im getting my bridge pierced on thursday so owww! for me right? but yeah im ok. for once. i think im ok. "I won't go because I've been there before, and it took twenty years to pick my face up off the floor. I'm not "sorry" if "things" aren't the "same" but sleepless nights are hardly worth the cheapness of your game. And if you know what I mean then live for yourself, because life is too short to waste it on somebody else. There was a time, and I swear that I cared... I gor burned , and now I walk with this fist in the air. I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY SAY, they're NOT the ones who have to live with the pain. Black Heart Breaking, Broken Bonds. I should have known all along. Don't talk to me. I'm as deaf as I am blind. Thanks for making me cheap, and thanks for the wasted time" goodnight x YOU'LL FEEL BETTER2 s|KILL YOUR BROTHER

The Girl I Loved For One Hour [08 Jan 2006|11:03pm] [ music | 7a7p/The Acacia Strain/Inked In Blood ] I realy do not have anything at all to say about this past weekend other than it was realy realy realy realy great. Mari is wicked. Turnbuckle Treachery are going to be huge. I hate cider. Elf is the best film ever. American Nightmare are still the greatest. Queen are the best metal band on the planet. Scum is the best Napalm Death album. Nick was right. Lucy is wicked. Black Nike Bodywarmers for £15 on e-bay are the greatest. Brand new rbk's off Ben for £20 are even greater. 7a 7p merch off e-bay is so great I want to scream. Mari giving Paul a Locust pin is so great I want to hug her again. Not giving me a drink 10 seconds after calling time is fucking wank..FUCK YOU O'BRIANS Remembering Never/On Broken Wings/Misery Signals/The Acacia Strain/Nodes Of Ranvier/Poison The Well/From A Second Story Window/Inked In Blood mix's are the best. etc etc etc yeah, shit was good this weekend. Im a little bit spaced out about some things, but I always am afterwards. I don't know what im going to do about this to be honest. Mogwai on Friday. awesome. out xxx YOU'LL FEEL BETTER3 s|KILL YOUR BROTHER

the villa [05 Jan 2006|07:34pm] [ music | nu metal/ska/hip hop/drum and bass ] FUCK YEAH IM GONNA PARTY TONIGHT!! KILL YOUR BROTHER

[02 Jan 2006|05:18am] YOU'LL FEEL BETTER2 s|KILL YOUR BROTHER

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